By Bruce Sterling EmailMarch 03, 2008 | 6:45:45 AM
"Some of the references might require a bit of explaining if you weren't in Iraq about then (2005) or part of the transportation reconstruction sector. But you shoud get the gist."
http://blog.wired.com/sterling/2008/03/why-did-the-ira.html
Why Did the Iraqi Chicken Cross the Road?
Coalition Provisional Authority: The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.
Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.
Muqtada al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.
US Army Military Police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.
Lyndie Edwards: The chicken was lead across the road on a leash by me, after we made it and all the other chickens form a naked pyramid. I only did this because all the other soldiers wanted me to and I'm a moron. It's really not my fault. Besides, I'm pregnant.
Peshmerga: The chicken crossed the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in future, to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
1st Cav: The chicken was not authorized to cross the road without displaying two forms of picture identification. Thus, the chicken was appropriately detained and searched in accordance with current SOP's. We apologize for any embarrassment to the chicken. As a result of this unfortunate incident, the command has instituted a gender sensitivity training program and all future chicken searches will be conducted by female soldiers.
Al Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to eye-witnesses. The chicken was then fired upon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
Blackwater: We cannot confirm any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
Translators: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.
U.S. Marine Corps: The chicken is dead.
CAOA Joint Venture (a reconstruction contractor): We would be willing to allow the chicken to cross the road, as long as we are allowed to evaluate the relevant transportation infrastructure and get 3 competent and graded bids. Given the overhead rate of 23% and forward depreciation…
Donald Rumsfeld: There are known chickens and unknown chickens. Did the chicken intend to cross the road? Heavens, yes! Was it her intention to cross it in the manner that she did cross it? Perhaps not.
Scott McLellan: As I said before, what the president said earlier about the chicken incident is still operative. If I receive further information I will of course be glad to share it with you.
John Ashcroft: The chicken was possessed by Satan and deserved everything that happened to him. National security prohibits me from saying more.
Condoleezza Rice: No one could have possibly foreseen that chicken would try to cross that road to get to that side.
John Kerry: While I cannot say that I do not fully support the president's actions in the chicken-road incident, it is certainly not my intention to state that, in conjunction with our long-time friends and allies, I would not have done it better. Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
Dick Cheney: The press is using the chicken incident to divert attention from the fact that Saddam had nuclear weapons and was going to use them on us. AAAAGH, my heart!!! Lay off or I'll shoot you in the face.
Colin Powell: These satellite photos conclusively show that there was, indeed, a road there. That the chicken had the intention of crossing this road is made clear from this recording made the night before in the chicken coop... Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
PRESIDENT BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? Does the chicken have any distinguishing characteristics?
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?!? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross. Where is my OxyContin? I'll bet Michael J. Fox is swaying and exaggerating the entire thing just to get some sympathy.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
OPRAH WINFREY & Sally Jesse Raphael: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together-in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was an historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just rolled out eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
THE BIBLE: And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Navy: The chicken upon crossing the road was painted and lashed to the curb.
Baghdad Bob (the Iraqi Information Minister under Saddam): The chicken never crossed the road! He is safe in Baghdad, miles from the marauding vehicles of the infidel! THERE IS NO ROAD!
USAF: "As you can see here in the target video, the bomb was locked onto the chicken...and there it goes...the chicken is still moving...still moving...and unfortunately passed out of the parameters of the guidance system so that the bomb completely missed it and hit the weasel instead. Gotta admit though, it's impressive footage..."
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraqi ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road; but why it crossed, I've not been told!
JACQUES CHIRAC
We will veto any resolution regarding non-compliance of the chicken whether is has or has not crossed the road!
AEGIS PSD (a security contractor): The chicken attempted to cross the road we were using. And after the chicken ignored numerous warning shots, we shot the chicken's car up and set the video record of the incident to an Elvis tune. That's what is now on the internet…
NSA: Of course we monitored the Chicken's conversations on the XXXXXX with XXXX, XXXXX and XXXXXX, using our national technical assets XXXXXXX and XXXXXX in XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, XXXXX, and XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXX despite the laws forbidding such spying without a warrant. President Bush said XXXXXXX and that's good enough for us! (redacted, for reasons of National Security)
Colonel Stevens (BAF commander): Denied, denied, denied. The chicken may not cross the road. Because I said so and that is that.
Diligence Middle East (another security contractor) You fooking C#nt! Get your feathered arse across the road or I'll choke the life out of you.
Controlled Risks (yet another security contractor) Chicken? Is this another way to refer to our esteemed Filipina housemaids?
Average Iraqi security guy. Chicken on the road? Let me get my flip flops…
FOX NEWS (Fair and Balanced): And Fox News' exclusive reporting has determined that the Islamofascist liberal terrorist chickens in Iraq have crossed the road. Loyal and patriotic Americans (Republicans All) have been "staying the course" to allow the president (God bless him) to announce MISSION ACCOMPLISHED at will. In other news, cut and run "pro death" antichristian Democrats have introduced a new death tax bill to steal money from hard working deceased Americans.
Average Afghan: They have chickens? Truly they have all the blessings of Allah…
